It's okay to be YOU.

Hi guys,

So I have little bit of different post today. I wanted to share some personal posts on my blog about certain topics. I've meaning to get this up for a while now but just wasn't sure if it would be something you guys would want to read. But then I thought why not, maybe someone can relate to this. I am not one to talk about myself a lot as in how I feel etc as I am quite reserved with people but I wanted to share my thoughts on feeling insecure about yourself. This is something that I feel has affected me so much in my life. I am not too sure how to start this off but here goes!

I've had certain insecurities before and I am sure a lot of you guys would have too. It's is normal to be insecure. I hear people say 'you should never be insecure about yourself; but the fact is that it is normal to feel this way.  A person can be insecure about a lot of things. It can be defined as a feeling of not being good enough, a sense of helplessness in the face of problems or just not being able to 'fit' in.

The number one thing I have been insecure about is the way I look. This is something that I know a lot of girls go through. It's never been something too extreme but it's still there and it does bother me. I have been always quite negative about myself and still to this day I can be pretty hard on myself. 
Since I was younger I had this idea that I was really ugly. I know that it started after I was bullied and was called ugly. I used to live in America then and was in elementary school where I was new. This girl had said to me that no one here likes me because I am quite ugly. I know she was also quite young but that really got to me. It's weird how things that happened so long ago can still affect you. I think I was about 8 years old then. From that point I have never been able to fit in with people because I would constantly think do I look OK. She said 'no one likes me because of the way I look'. I started to assume this was the reason for every bad thing that happened to me. If I didn't make friends, it was probably because I didn't look good.

This didn't happen just once but several times so you can say that I was bullied quite a bit about my appearance as I got older. Like any other child in this world, there wasn't anything wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with anyone. We're all different which is what makes us all amazing. It was simply bullying.

The funny thing is that when you get bullied, you later start to think about the reason why this person is doing or saying things to you. At one point I thought it was because of my ethnicity. I was the only Asian kid in the school. The only other ethnicity there was were Mexicans. I did get abused for my ethnicity and there came a point where I started to hide the fact I was Asian. I wouldn't tell people where I came from, what race I was instead I actually tried to blend in with the Mexican children! That probably sounds really funny but that was the best thing an 8 year old could think of. When someone says to you, you don't look good or are ugly, you start to wonder that there really must be something wrong with me otherwise why would this person say this? You almost start to agree with them. People would say things to me like your face is so round, your forehead is pretty big, what's with your nose. Sometimes even in a joking way but I didn't take it in a funny way and you never know who will and who won't. I never comment in a negative way on someone's appearance and I really dislike people who do. You don't know who they are. 

I wanted to write this post because I hear little girls these days saying they don't look good or feel ugly etc. I did some work experience in a primary school and worked with year 1 and 2 and they would tell me this. I felt terrible because it's obviously some sort of an idea and an image that's in their head. People these days try to define perfection especially in the media but there really isn't anything that's perfect. We all have flaws. What people don't realize is that one word you say to someone, a child especially, can really affect the way they grow up. Like in my case I just because extremely shy and really awkward in a way. I am so shy that I actually get really nervous about meeting new people hence the reason for my anxiety too. The first thing I used to think about was ' Hope my face looks okay". When I think back to that I just feel like a little idiot. I think I just became EXTREMELY self conscious. I never wanted to stand out, never wanted to be picked to do something in school and never wanted to meet people.

I'd be lying if I say that I'm 100% good and do not care anymore because I do. But now I like to think that you can't please everyone ever but you can please yourself and make yourself happy so do that instead of spending ages trying to think how to make that one person happy. I feel SO much better about myself now than I did a few years ago. 

I have a very low self esteem as well. I am not the most confident person and hate to stand out. But over the past years that has greatly been improved. I think I just came to a point where I thought to myself I can't let this keep on going. I have to build my confidence and try to meet new people and talk to them. 
I don't know if anyone can relate to this but I just wanted to almost let it out. Sorry for the rambling post!
The way I look was the first thing someone commented on and later there were other things which I'll share later on. I don't know if you guys would like a blog post on anxiety?  
 :) 
It's okay to be you.